David and I had the chance to attend the sealing of a young man from our ward, Matt Wilcox. Being in the temple is always a peaceful place to be and I never leave wishing I hadn't gone. As I listened to the counsel of the sealer before hand and then listened to the words of the sealing ordinance, my heart was touched. The sealer spoke about the angels that were in attendance and he testified that some of those angels there were their children that would come in the future. I had never specifically thought about this in the past and I know I didn't think about this on the day of my sealing, but I loved having that visual of these spirits witnessing the eternal union. These spirits not having the veil over their eyes and knowing more than we do at that moment. I am grateful for God's plan. The sealer also spoke of Adam and Eve and how on the 6th day, when man and women were created, God came down for that day. We are His greatest creations and families were started from the beginning.
During the reception later that night I watched as there was a daddy/daughter dance with the bride and her father and then a mother/son dance with the groom and his mother. I know this seems so far away since our boys are so young, but I know that before we realize, our own little boys will grow up and become men. They will head out on missions and begin families of their own. Right now there are so many things I think I am screwing up. Do they know I love them? Will they only remember the "angry/frustrated mom"? Am I teaching them that Heavenly Father loves them? Am I seeing their spiritual gifts and who they really are? Do I remember that their spirits are mature and even though they are housed in these young bodies, their spirit was in heaven with me? They fought that war in heaven alongside me and we all chose to follow our Savior, Jesus Christ. How can I help them use their agency here to follow Him again?
I worry about the paths they may take in the future. I watch David's brothers and his sister take the hard road, the one away from the covenant path and I know that my boys carrying those genes. But, then again I reminded that so does David and he has chosen to follow the covenant path. I know I can't control the choices my boys make and sometimes the hard road is the path they may travel at different times, but it is so painful to watch those you love struggle and not have peace.
This pregnancy I have definitely been more tired. My patience has waxed thin and I have wondered how can I become a mother to more children. I feel like I spend so much time reprimanding and responding to the negative that I don't take the time to highlight the positive and when my boys are obedient.
Also, I have been frustrated with David lately. He always has so many things going on. I never feel like I can ask for what I need because he is so busy himself. I need to work on my feelings of resentment that his time is not constrained the same way that mine is. He doesn't need to coordinate child care to go do things. If he wants to go to the temple, he arranges his schedule to go. If he wants to take a nap, he'll get up and go take a nap. He does so much good and he doesn't waste his time, so it's hard to find justification with my frustration. And, I know that I chose to change my mindset. I can find solutions to my problems. I can be independent. This frustration I have with David carries over into my interactions with the boys. My goal is to work on this.
No comments:
Post a Comment