Over these past few months I feel like I have noticed Satan attacking my weakness and my insecurities. Am I good enough? Am I talented enough? Am I fun enough? Am I smart enough? Do people really want to be around me? It has made me a little emotional and sometimes I react to the things my boys say and it hurts my feelings. Do I know my boys love me? Of course I do. But, I start to perseverate on things they say or when they don't want to hang out with me. When I type it out it sounds pathetic, but it happens and my feelings really get hurt. Well, this happened today and I was pretty sad. A while later I was talking to Jonas and we were discussing something that had happened earlier in the day. Jonas had said I was annoying. Now, Jonas wasn't saying it to be mean at all. But, my sensitive self started to cry. This frustrated David because he doesn't like when the boys are rude to me, so he disciplined Jonas and Porter (Porter had been making a joke about this game we were playing). A couple things happened in between and Jonas and I found ourselves at home with only Brooks. As we were talking, Jonas asked why David got mad and Porter and him. I explained that Dad was frustrated because he knew I was hurt. I told Jonas I was sorry for being sensitive, but it hurt my feelings what he had said. Then Jonas said, "Mom, I love you so much. I always love you so much." My heart knows this deep inside, but I allow Satan's voice to get into my head and disrupt the truth. He is constantly attacking my ability to love myself and see the gifts that Heavenly Father has blessed me with. He encourages me to feel inadequate as a mother and to question by anyone would want to be around me. He knows that as I experience these feelings, my tendency is to withdraw and to bury my light. I want to be a person my boys and David want to be with. I want to have love and joy and peace to offer them.
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I was created to be a mother. One of my innate gifts is to truly love children and enjoy being around them. Being with my family is my most favorite place to be. When we are together enjoying one another, that is peace on earth for me. It is a glimpse of the everlasting joy that we'll experience as a family in the eternities.
This evening after dinner we went to Hillside so the boys could ride bikes. They love playing sharks and minnows on their bikes with David. When Jonas or Mason wanted to be "safe", they would run to me with their arms open and climb on my lap. Hopefully I will get my act together and be confident in who I am that they will not need to be babying my emotions, but I can be a safe place for them to land throughout life. They shouldn't need to be my parent.
And, I hope I can be a strong woman to stand by David's side. I have always looked up to David. Through all these years I have known him, he has been so deliberate in how he lives his life. Deliberate in how he teaches, serves, loves, spends his time, develops his talents, etc. When I let Satan into my thoughts, I doubt that I am the enough for him. I wonder if I hold him back from who he can become. These are never thoughts that my Father in Heaven would want me to feel. I know he would want me to remember that I AM HIS DAUGHTER. HE LOVES ME. I can be David's partner because of WHO I AM.
When the day comes for my boys to marry, I hope that they pick a woman that knows she is a child of God and does shy away from their potential. Someone that is brave, bold and strong.
I love my boys. I love David. When I look to the future, I know I will miss these tender years when I get to hold the boys in my life. When they throw their arms around me and when Mason kisses my cheek. Or when Porter is so excited to show me what he's done and he wants a hi five. Or when Brooks crawls up to me and looks up at me with his sweet, bright eyes, or when Jonas giggles and his face lights up. I am grateful to be a mother and a wife. I am grateful for a very patient, loving husband who is continually trying to improve and strengthen our marriage.
Sunday, June 21, 2020
Friday, June 5, 2020
Porter's Last Official Day of First Grade at Beacon Heights (6/2/2020)
For Porter's last day of 1st grade, the school did a social distancing drive through. They had signs up and a few locations where the kids could stop have take a photo. We ran into Ms. Gianelo there and Porter was able to get a picture with her. After the drive through I took the boys to get donuts at Duncan Donuts. I can't ever persuade them to get donuts somewhere better. It's alright, they like the pink frosted donuts with sprinkles.
I can't believe Porter is already heading to 2nd grade! Next year we are sending him to Whittier for the ELP program. We thought a lot about this and decided that we'll try it for a year and see how it goes. Jonas will be starting Kindergarten at Beacon Heights.
It'll be interesting to see what happens next year. I'm pretty sure school will not look the traditional way.
Brooks 9 month check-up (6/2/2020)
Brooksie is getting so big. During his 8 month he finally started crawling like a pro. He has his two front bottom teeth. He gets on his knees and has also started pulling up to a standing position.
Stats:
Ht 27.24" (69.2 cm)
Wt 8085 g (17 lb 13.2 oz)
HC 44.8 cm (17.64")
BMI 16.88 kg/m²
Brooks still wakes up several times a night and is taking two naps. He loves when his brothers play with him and make him laugh. He does not snuggle a lot unless he's actually fallen asleep. Boo.
He loves to eat. We blend up whatever we're having for dinner and feed it to him. He eats oatmeal for breakfast and generally I brake up a PB&J sandwich for lunch. He does not like jarred baby food at all.
When Brooks and I play outside, he loves playing in the grass and there are these little helicopter leaves that fall from the tree in our front yard. He loves to put these in his mouth.
He's in the phase where I'm his favorite and he'll play by himself, but he also loves to find out where I am. I love his bright blue eyes and his big gummy smile. He loves dancing when music comes on and he loves to be tickled. He laughs and laughs.
Stats:
Ht 27.24" (69.2 cm)
Wt 8085 g (17 lb 13.2 oz)
HC 44.8 cm (17.64")
BMI 16.88 kg/m²
Brooks still wakes up several times a night and is taking two naps. He loves when his brothers play with him and make him laugh. He does not snuggle a lot unless he's actually fallen asleep. Boo.
He loves to eat. We blend up whatever we're having for dinner and feed it to him. He eats oatmeal for breakfast and generally I brake up a PB&J sandwich for lunch. He does not like jarred baby food at all.
When Brooks and I play outside, he loves playing in the grass and there are these little helicopter leaves that fall from the tree in our front yard. He loves to put these in his mouth.
He's in the phase where I'm his favorite and he'll play by himself, but he also loves to find out where I am. I love his bright blue eyes and his big gummy smile. He loves dancing when music comes on and he loves to be tickled. He laughs and laughs.
Sunday, May 17, 2020
Home church 5/17/2020
Church at home these days is usually really simple. We have the sacrament and then we someone shares a short talk or thought. Sometimes we sing, but not always. Today Porter shared in Mosiah 24 about Alma and his people being in bondage to Amulon and the Lamanites. We talked about bondage, our burdens being made light and deliverance. But the most interesting part of our talk was the thoughts and questions that Jonas had. He is always wondering how he can know if Heavenly Father is real and how he can know if Heavenly Father answers his prayers. He knows that the spirit can tell us, but I don't know if he has recognized when the spirit tells him. Today as we spoke, I felt a sweet spirit. We talked about faith and a testimony. David asked if he knew what a testimony was and he said, "You've said that word a lot but I don't know what it means."
He is so tender and sincere.
Porter said he knows Heavenly Father is real, but then he said what would happen if he wasn't. Would there be nothing after this life?
These conversations are the most precious and faith building. We want our kids to be able to ask these questions and we can figure out where they are at with their testimony. We love them and I hope they do recognize the spirit testifying to them.
He is so tender and sincere.
Porter said he knows Heavenly Father is real, but then he said what would happen if he wasn't. Would there be nothing after this life?
These conversations are the most precious and faith building. We want our kids to be able to ask these questions and we can figure out where they are at with their testimony. We love them and I hope they do recognize the spirit testifying to them.
Harry Loeterman (My Great-Great Grandpa) 5/17/2020
While reading entries in Family Search, I came across the following story about my Great, Great Uncle Harry Loeterman and my Uncle Dave. I thought it was a great story.
Harry was born in Poland but soon moved to Odessa,Russia(The Ukraine) where he married Eve . They had two kids when he was drafted into the Russian army in the mid 1890's. After two years of service and two and a half he had another child on the way(Nana) He plotted a scheme where the local witch doctor brought him some lotion that blistered his scalp and made his hair fall out. He was caught by the Russians after a few months and convicted of treason. During his trial he actually ran out the court and escaped. The local rabbi gave him a boat pass and a passport and on stearage he came to Ellis Island and Lived with an uncle in New York.He worked in a factory and pushed a food cart on weekends and holidays and eventually sent money back to his family so that they could come to New York. He and his family which grew to 9 lived in a one room apartment in Manhatten. By the late twenties they and spouses had moved to Hollywood minus Lil and her husband Irv Goodman.who came in the 50's. Harry and family first moved to Compton and then Inglewood where most settled. Harry,son Sam and my grandfather Sam started an open air market,the Triangle market, which was on a triangular block which was less than a quarter of a block on the main drag in Inglewook called Market St. This was in the 30's. I mention this for a special reason. Fast forward to 1968 and me, David. became a member of the LDS church in Salt Lake City with the intention of going on a mission but no money. Now home I began asking around the Inglewood Ward for work as many members had businesses.One brother, offered me after sacrament mtg.I worked for him for about a year as a ceramic tile assistan(showers and kitchens and floors., At Thanksgiving Mel Johnson invited his LDS workers over for Thanksgiving where I saw a picture of my family and the Triangle Market. With great anxiety I asked him why he had this treasured family picture. He told me that he had worked there in 1939 to earn money for his mission. God works in mysterious and all knowing ways.Obviously the Spirit was working when Br. Johnson had offered me a job and probably when my Jewish relatives had started the Triangle Market and given a Br. Johnson his missionary job.
Harry was born in Poland but soon moved to Odessa,Russia(The Ukraine) where he married Eve . They had two kids when he was drafted into the Russian army in the mid 1890's. After two years of service and two and a half he had another child on the way(Nana) He plotted a scheme where the local witch doctor brought him some lotion that blistered his scalp and made his hair fall out. He was caught by the Russians after a few months and convicted of treason. During his trial he actually ran out the court and escaped. The local rabbi gave him a boat pass and a passport and on stearage he came to Ellis Island and Lived with an uncle in New York.He worked in a factory and pushed a food cart on weekends and holidays and eventually sent money back to his family so that they could come to New York. He and his family which grew to 9 lived in a one room apartment in Manhatten. By the late twenties they and spouses had moved to Hollywood minus Lil and her husband Irv Goodman.who came in the 50's. Harry and family first moved to Compton and then Inglewood where most settled. Harry,son Sam and my grandfather Sam started an open air market,the Triangle market, which was on a triangular block which was less than a quarter of a block on the main drag in Inglewook called Market St. This was in the 30's. I mention this for a special reason. Fast forward to 1968 and me, David. became a member of the LDS church in Salt Lake City with the intention of going on a mission but no money. Now home I began asking around the Inglewood Ward for work as many members had businesses.One brother, offered me after sacrament mtg.I worked for him for about a year as a ceramic tile assistan(showers and kitchens and floors., At Thanksgiving Mel Johnson invited his LDS workers over for Thanksgiving where I saw a picture of my family and the Triangle Market. With great anxiety I asked him why he had this treasured family picture. He told me that he had worked there in 1939 to earn money for his mission. God works in mysterious and all knowing ways.Obviously the Spirit was working when Br. Johnson had offered me a job and probably when my Jewish relatives had started the Triangle Market and given a Br. Johnson his missionary job.
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