Today I listened to a podcast with Jodi Moore from Better than Happy. The podcast was titled, "Obedience". She had just spoken at BYU Women's Conference, so she shared a recap of what she spoke about there. She talked about disobedience and how guilt is a motivator to change, but when we allow it to morph into shame, it actually holds us back. She told a story of how she was on a business trip and was at the airport and needed to head up an escalator. Their was a sign that said those with luggage should take the elevator, but once she saw others heading up the escalator with their luggage, she decided to go up too. She had two roll away bags, a larger one and a smaller one. As she went to go up, she got caught and fell backwards on her bags. Once she got up, she realized that the bags were larger than the entrance to the escalator. And when she was getting pulled backwards by the bags, she didn't let go of them. She held on tight. She related this to repenting. During this time she had been going through the repentance process and was not feeling the weight being lifted off her like she thought she could. As she thought about this experience on the escalator, she realized that the moment she had gone to her bishop to repent, that Heavenly Father had forgiven her. She was the one holding herself back, holding onto the past and not moving forward. She said the escalator was bringing her up from the basement into the light, but she allowed the bags to hold her back.
She talked a lot about shame and how shame makes us hide and do things in secret. It tells us we aren't worthy and makes us wonder about our worth. We think how could we make this mistake, why would we make a mistake. People don't do this.
I thought a lot about my past. I have often felt overwhelming shame. I have wondered why I would ever have made the mistakes I did. How does someone like me that had the knowledge I have, do the things I did? Thinking about these things has actually kept me up at night. As I listened to Jodi talk about these things today, I was moved to tears. I feel like the shame I have felt has kept me from moving forward. Satan keeps me down whenever I look backwards and dwell on who I was, not who I am.
Today was a beautiful day. The boys and I spent so much time outside enjoying the cool, sunny weather. We had a picnic, the boys road bikes and dug for bugs. We watched the landscapers redoing the neighbors yard. I chatted with Grandma Jones and Rashna. The boys went to Graham Knight's birthday party and Mason and I took a walk until it started raining really hard on us.
Tonight the older boys went with David to deliver flowers with the youth and then Mason and I joined later to play outside and eat cake and ice cream.
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Memorial Day (5/27/19)
The boys ALL slept in until 8:30 ish. That never happens. But, obviously they needed it. I got to have a few quiet hours to myself in the am. We went up to Snowpine Lodge in Alta to spend time with our friend's, the Pratt's. Dave's family owns the lodge, so he invited a bunch of people up there to stay the night and hang out the next day. We did go up the night before, but we spent all day there. We swam, played toys, played in the arcade, chatted and ate lunch. The boys had fun all day and it was great to catch up with the Pratt's. It was supposed to rain/snow, but the weather ended up being perfect. And swimming with the snowcapped mountains surrounding you was beautiful.
Mason loved playing the Skee ball machine and he threw the balls over and over again. If he actually made it over the hump, whether or not he got any points, he'd say, "Yes!".
All the boys loved the arcade and Porter would have stayed there all day if we let him.
We devoured fries and burgers from the restaurant for lunch and I'm pretty sure it was a perfect day for the boys.
Mason loved playing the Skee ball machine and he threw the balls over and over again. If he actually made it over the hump, whether or not he got any points, he'd say, "Yes!".
All the boys loved the arcade and Porter would have stayed there all day if we let him.
We devoured fries and burgers from the restaurant for lunch and I'm pretty sure it was a perfect day for the boys.
Careful versus Casual (5/26/19)
Our lesson during RS was on a talk from conference, Careful versus Casual. The talk was given by Becky Craven. It was interesting to hear people's thoughts, but most interesting to reflect upon my own life. In what ways am I too casual with those things that matter most. As I've been reading the Come Follow Me material, it has begun to talk about the Second Coming and how even some of the elect will be deceived. For me, I think some of my deception will come in allow myself to become too casual, but thinking I am okay.
During class individuals were talking about not to do things out of fear. Alex Price spoke in Sacrament Meeting and she mentioned a quote about how those that are obedient will receive blessings, but those that are exactly obedient will see miracles. I thought about this quote a lot during the lesson. I feel like the same applies to be careful versus casual. If I read my scriptures to check off the box, I'm sure there are blessings I receive, but the miracle of pondering and feasting upon the words will be missed.
To me, being careful means: thoughtful, intentional, deliberate, choosing. This applies to how I pray, read my scriptures, treat others, treat my relationships, attend the temple, serve and share the gospel, fulfill my callings, etc. It is more than just being a "good" or "kind" person. I remember hearing a friend years ago say that she just wanted her kids to grow up and be kind. I would love this also, but I want more than that for my kids. Them being kind should be a product of their relationship with their Heavenly Father and our Savior. This relationship will develop from "careful" choices and actions throughout their lives. I want them to know who they are are and to see the gifts that they have been given. Then to use those gifts to do His work.
Am I being the example of this to my kids? I don't think so. I have a lot to think about a work on so that I am not deceived. So that I am ready when the Savior comes again. I want to be.
During class individuals were talking about not to do things out of fear. Alex Price spoke in Sacrament Meeting and she mentioned a quote about how those that are obedient will receive blessings, but those that are exactly obedient will see miracles. I thought about this quote a lot during the lesson. I feel like the same applies to be careful versus casual. If I read my scriptures to check off the box, I'm sure there are blessings I receive, but the miracle of pondering and feasting upon the words will be missed.
To me, being careful means: thoughtful, intentional, deliberate, choosing. This applies to how I pray, read my scriptures, treat others, treat my relationships, attend the temple, serve and share the gospel, fulfill my callings, etc. It is more than just being a "good" or "kind" person. I remember hearing a friend years ago say that she just wanted her kids to grow up and be kind. I would love this also, but I want more than that for my kids. Them being kind should be a product of their relationship with their Heavenly Father and our Savior. This relationship will develop from "careful" choices and actions throughout their lives. I want them to know who they are are and to see the gifts that they have been given. Then to use those gifts to do His work.
Am I being the example of this to my kids? I don't think so. I have a lot to think about a work on so that I am not deceived. So that I am ready when the Savior comes again. I want to be.
Saturday, May 25, 2019
5/25/19
Today was a great day! The weather was warmer and it was SUNNY! We’ve had so much rain lately, so we spent s lot of time outside today.
While I was at the gym, David and Porter cleaned the fridge! It looks so good.
We picked peonies, filled vases and delivered flowers to friends and neighbors. We met and chatted for awhile with a neighbor down the street, Cindy.
During our flower delivery we dropped by the Murdock’s and checked out the duck sitting on her eggs in their backyard.
Ollie and Jonas played. David did yard work. Porter played at the Kirry’s and Mason and I hung out in the front yard at Grandma Jones’s with Heidi and Connor Wible. It was so relaxing and a perfect Saturday.
Barbie (Griffis) called me to come help. She’s about 12 weeks pregnant and so sick. She was just started on an IV around the clock. I have been wondering how I can help besides having Ollie over as much as I can. So, when she was having problems with her IV, I got to help fix the problem. I was so glad to see her, tell her I love her and help do a few things for her. Now I know what’s going on, so I plan to stop by more regularly and know what other things I can help with.
Yesterday, Heidi Wible watched Mason and Jonas so I could go to the temple. It was wonderful to be there and when I came home Mason and Jonas played so well together for about an hour and while they did, I was able to read the Ensign and start read a book about symbols. After being in the temple, I had a desire to study more about temples and some of the specific things that were talked about during the initiatory.
Tonight we invited friends and neighbors over for a last minute bonfire and s’mores roasting. The weather was perfect and the kids played their little hearts out. And surprisingly, despite the large amount of kids, there were minimal tears and lots of having fun. I kind of didn’t want to do it because I wanted to prepare for Sunday, but we were still able to get everything ready once people left. I am now ready for the Sabbath day and it feels great.
While I was at the gym, David and Porter cleaned the fridge! It looks so good.
We picked peonies, filled vases and delivered flowers to friends and neighbors. We met and chatted for awhile with a neighbor down the street, Cindy.
During our flower delivery we dropped by the Murdock’s and checked out the duck sitting on her eggs in their backyard.
Ollie and Jonas played. David did yard work. Porter played at the Kirry’s and Mason and I hung out in the front yard at Grandma Jones’s with Heidi and Connor Wible. It was so relaxing and a perfect Saturday.
Barbie (Griffis) called me to come help. She’s about 12 weeks pregnant and so sick. She was just started on an IV around the clock. I have been wondering how I can help besides having Ollie over as much as I can. So, when she was having problems with her IV, I got to help fix the problem. I was so glad to see her, tell her I love her and help do a few things for her. Now I know what’s going on, so I plan to stop by more regularly and know what other things I can help with.
Yesterday, Heidi Wible watched Mason and Jonas so I could go to the temple. It was wonderful to be there and when I came home Mason and Jonas played so well together for about an hour and while they did, I was able to read the Ensign and start read a book about symbols. After being in the temple, I had a desire to study more about temples and some of the specific things that were talked about during the initiatory.
Tonight we invited friends and neighbors over for a last minute bonfire and s’mores roasting. The weather was perfect and the kids played their little hearts out. And surprisingly, despite the large amount of kids, there were minimal tears and lots of having fun. I kind of didn’t want to do it because I wanted to prepare for Sunday, but we were still able to get everything ready once people left. I am now ready for the Sabbath day and it feels great.
Saturday, May 18, 2019
5/17/19
David and I had the chance to attend the sealing of a young man from our ward, Matt Wilcox. Being in the temple is always a peaceful place to be and I never leave wishing I hadn't gone. As I listened to the counsel of the sealer before hand and then listened to the words of the sealing ordinance, my heart was touched. The sealer spoke about the angels that were in attendance and he testified that some of those angels there were their children that would come in the future. I had never specifically thought about this in the past and I know I didn't think about this on the day of my sealing, but I loved having that visual of these spirits witnessing the eternal union. These spirits not having the veil over their eyes and knowing more than we do at that moment. I am grateful for God's plan. The sealer also spoke of Adam and Eve and how on the 6th day, when man and women were created, God came down for that day. We are His greatest creations and families were started from the beginning.
During the reception later that night I watched as there was a daddy/daughter dance with the bride and her father and then a mother/son dance with the groom and his mother. I know this seems so far away since our boys are so young, but I know that before we realize, our own little boys will grow up and become men. They will head out on missions and begin families of their own. Right now there are so many things I think I am screwing up. Do they know I love them? Will they only remember the "angry/frustrated mom"? Am I teaching them that Heavenly Father loves them? Am I seeing their spiritual gifts and who they really are? Do I remember that their spirits are mature and even though they are housed in these young bodies, their spirit was in heaven with me? They fought that war in heaven alongside me and we all chose to follow our Savior, Jesus Christ. How can I help them use their agency here to follow Him again?
I worry about the paths they may take in the future. I watch David's brothers and his sister take the hard road, the one away from the covenant path and I know that my boys carrying those genes. But, then again I reminded that so does David and he has chosen to follow the covenant path. I know I can't control the choices my boys make and sometimes the hard road is the path they may travel at different times, but it is so painful to watch those you love struggle and not have peace.
This pregnancy I have definitely been more tired. My patience has waxed thin and I have wondered how can I become a mother to more children. I feel like I spend so much time reprimanding and responding to the negative that I don't take the time to highlight the positive and when my boys are obedient.
Also, I have been frustrated with David lately. He always has so many things going on. I never feel like I can ask for what I need because he is so busy himself. I need to work on my feelings of resentment that his time is not constrained the same way that mine is. He doesn't need to coordinate child care to go do things. If he wants to go to the temple, he arranges his schedule to go. If he wants to take a nap, he'll get up and go take a nap. He does so much good and he doesn't waste his time, so it's hard to find justification with my frustration. And, I know that I chose to change my mindset. I can find solutions to my problems. I can be independent. This frustration I have with David carries over into my interactions with the boys. My goal is to work on this.
During the reception later that night I watched as there was a daddy/daughter dance with the bride and her father and then a mother/son dance with the groom and his mother. I know this seems so far away since our boys are so young, but I know that before we realize, our own little boys will grow up and become men. They will head out on missions and begin families of their own. Right now there are so many things I think I am screwing up. Do they know I love them? Will they only remember the "angry/frustrated mom"? Am I teaching them that Heavenly Father loves them? Am I seeing their spiritual gifts and who they really are? Do I remember that their spirits are mature and even though they are housed in these young bodies, their spirit was in heaven with me? They fought that war in heaven alongside me and we all chose to follow our Savior, Jesus Christ. How can I help them use their agency here to follow Him again?
I worry about the paths they may take in the future. I watch David's brothers and his sister take the hard road, the one away from the covenant path and I know that my boys carrying those genes. But, then again I reminded that so does David and he has chosen to follow the covenant path. I know I can't control the choices my boys make and sometimes the hard road is the path they may travel at different times, but it is so painful to watch those you love struggle and not have peace.
This pregnancy I have definitely been more tired. My patience has waxed thin and I have wondered how can I become a mother to more children. I feel like I spend so much time reprimanding and responding to the negative that I don't take the time to highlight the positive and when my boys are obedient.
Also, I have been frustrated with David lately. He always has so many things going on. I never feel like I can ask for what I need because he is so busy himself. I need to work on my feelings of resentment that his time is not constrained the same way that mine is. He doesn't need to coordinate child care to go do things. If he wants to go to the temple, he arranges his schedule to go. If he wants to take a nap, he'll get up and go take a nap. He does so much good and he doesn't waste his time, so it's hard to find justification with my frustration. And, I know that I chose to change my mindset. I can find solutions to my problems. I can be independent. This frustration I have with David carries over into my interactions with the boys. My goal is to work on this.
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