Over these past few months I feel like I have noticed Satan attacking my weakness and my insecurities. Am I good enough? Am I talented enough? Am I fun enough? Am I smart enough? Do people really want to be around me? It has made me a little emotional and sometimes I react to the things my boys say and it hurts my feelings. Do I know my boys love me? Of course I do. But, I start to perseverate on things they say or when they don't want to hang out with me. When I type it out it sounds pathetic, but it happens and my feelings really get hurt. Well, this happened today and I was pretty sad. A while later I was talking to Jonas and we were discussing something that had happened earlier in the day. Jonas had said I was annoying. Now, Jonas wasn't saying it to be mean at all. But, my sensitive self started to cry. This frustrated David because he doesn't like when the boys are rude to me, so he disciplined Jonas and Porter (Porter had been making a joke about this game we were playing). A couple things happened in between and Jonas and I found ourselves at home with only Brooks. As we were talking, Jonas asked why David got mad and Porter and him. I explained that Dad was frustrated because he knew I was hurt. I told Jonas I was sorry for being sensitive, but it hurt my feelings what he had said. Then Jonas said, "Mom, I love you so much. I always love you so much." My heart knows this deep inside, but I allow Satan's voice to get into my head and disrupt the truth. He is constantly attacking my ability to love myself and see the gifts that Heavenly Father has blessed me with. He encourages me to feel inadequate as a mother and to question by anyone would want to be around me. He knows that as I experience these feelings, my tendency is to withdraw and to bury my light. I want to be a person my boys and David want to be with. I want to have love and joy and peace to offer them.
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I was created to be a mother. One of my innate gifts is to truly love children and enjoy being around them. Being with my family is my most favorite place to be. When we are together enjoying one another, that is peace on earth for me. It is a glimpse of the everlasting joy that we'll experience as a family in the eternities.
This evening after dinner we went to Hillside so the boys could ride bikes. They love playing sharks and minnows on their bikes with David. When Jonas or Mason wanted to be "safe", they would run to me with their arms open and climb on my lap. Hopefully I will get my act together and be confident in who I am that they will not need to be babying my emotions, but I can be a safe place for them to land throughout life. They shouldn't need to be my parent.
And, I hope I can be a strong woman to stand by David's side. I have always looked up to David. Through all these years I have known him, he has been so deliberate in how he lives his life. Deliberate in how he teaches, serves, loves, spends his time, develops his talents, etc. When I let Satan into my thoughts, I doubt that I am the enough for him. I wonder if I hold him back from who he can become. These are never thoughts that my Father in Heaven would want me to feel. I know he would want me to remember that I AM HIS DAUGHTER. HE LOVES ME. I can be David's partner because of WHO I AM.
When the day comes for my boys to marry, I hope that they pick a woman that knows she is a child of God and does shy away from their potential. Someone that is brave, bold and strong.
I love my boys. I love David. When I look to the future, I know I will miss these tender years when I get to hold the boys in my life. When they throw their arms around me and when Mason kisses my cheek. Or when Porter is so excited to show me what he's done and he wants a hi five. Or when Brooks crawls up to me and looks up at me with his sweet, bright eyes, or when Jonas giggles and his face lights up. I am grateful to be a mother and a wife. I am grateful for a very patient, loving husband who is continually trying to improve and strengthen our marriage.
