Why is it so hard? (3/10/19)

 Over and over again I say I’m going to be more consistent with journaling. But the cyst consistency just doesn’t come. I know this is an important thing to do, so I will keep trying. Lately in the moments that I have to myself running or working at the house I’ve been listening to various podcasts or talks. My mind and my spirit are continually enlightened as I seek for good things to fill my mind or better myself.   The struggle with Porter continues. I love him dearly. But I feel battles constantly between us except those times when he has my undivided attention. He is growing up fast and I know the precious time that I can influence him the most  is diminishing. I have started this program positive parenting solutions to figure out what I can do and how I can change so that I can bridge the gap and help him to feel significant and loved and give him the power that he so desires in appropriate ways and boundaries. He likes to do his own thing and be independent,  yet he is still a little boy that needs love and approval.    I often wonder how I am screwing him up in my moments of frustration and outburst. At times I have said hurtful things and I don’t want him to ever think that I don’t adore him. I have found how weak the natural man is and I have let him overtake my spiritual strength.  Just like journaling I renew frequently to do better as a mother to these precious boys. I know that they have been sent to me for a reason and they’re important lessons that I need to learn from them and that there are parts of me that are important for teaching them to become who they need to be.   I love how unique they each are I have started doing mind body soul time with each of them. I attempt to do it daily and it is time that is individually set aside for each one of them with me alone. His time that I devote and focus on them doing whatever they want for at least 10 minutes daily. They each love this time. It is a special time.  I have realized how easy it is to let distractions creep into my time with them and I want them to know that they are significant and important that what they had to say and the thing that things that they like to do are of value to me.
 Mason is at an age right now where he just want to pick them up and squeeze them and kiss them. He has quite the personality and is a joy to be around and to watch play and interact. Jonas continues to be tender and thoughtful he makes you feel loved it is just a gift that he has. And Porter loves to learn.  He soaks up the stories of the Scriptures it has actually started having the desire to cook or bake.
It is helpful to have David as my partner as we raise them.  I can watch how he handle situations and how he interacts with the boys and use his gifts and his example to help me to change and become better. I can see other boys respond to him and recognize ways that I can change.

News!! (1/13/19)

Ilena... I know you're the only one that reads this besides me, so you are going to hear first hand and before almost everyone else.  David and I have been trying to have another baby for the past year.  But, it hasn't happened.  Every month I'm disappointed as I realize we'll have to wait and try again.  During this past year I have never had to focus so much on the process.  Throughout the waiting, I have been reminded that there is a great plan that I am not aware of.  Reflecting on the last year, there are a few things that make me realize I might have gone crazy with a newborn!  David became the Bishop and we have learned to transition.  Honestly, it has not been a bad transition, but I think it would have definitely been more challenging with a newborn.  Mason has become Mr. Independent which requires A LOT of supervision.  I can't imagine sitting down to nurse a baby and having to keep track of what he was doing, getting into or destroying. So, maybe when he's closer to three there will be less of that.  David rupturing his achilles and his recovery process would have been difficult with everything else going on.   Lastly, I still need to figure out how to parent better and minimize the outbursts and disrespect.
With all that being said, it finally happened!  I am pregnant.  I'll go in for my first pre-natal appt in a week and a half.  I think it's a girl.  Several years ago, while in the temple, a name came to mind that I would name a daughter.  This was before Mason was born, and then Mason wasn't a girl.  The name has stayed on my mind and then at the end of December David and  I were doing Sealings in the temple.  David jokingly looked and me and said, if we hear that name tonight, then I'll agree to naming our daughter it.  We've both been to the temple several times over  the years and I have not heard that name since.  But, of course, we heard it.  David was acting as a witness, so he saw the name before I heard it.  He looked up at me and I knew the name was coming up.  We both got a little emotional. 
Now, if I don't have a girl, it's okay.  Maybe she's on the other side waiting for us to raise her there. 

Last thing, today I had a lot of time to think about Faith in Christ.  How has mine been strengthened?  Then at church today the talks were on Faith, there was a muscial number, Peace in Christ, and the lesson in RS was on Elder Uchtdorf's talk, "Believe, Love, Do".  I realized that my faith in Christ grows daily as I seek Him.  When I listen to the words of hymns or church music I listen to find Him.  When I go to church and listen to the lessons and talks, I listen to find Him.  Moments with my boys at home,  I listen to find Him.  When I look around this world, I look to see Him.  He is everywhere when I am open to Him.  My boys laugh because I cry often and freely.  I cry reading the Friend Magazine with them.  I cry bearing my testimony.  I cry listening to music or signing songs to them.  The Holy Ghost is real and there.  I love Christ.

12/30/18

Porter’s favorite primary song is, “He sent His Son”.  He says it is soft.

Mason is super independent.  He has starting disappearing and I’ll find him on the toilet.  He’s not always perfect getting there when he needs to poop, but today he actually completely pooped on the toilet all by himself.  He’s not so good with peeing, but maybe he’s going to potty train himself.

November 2018 Highlights

During the month of November we enjoyed attending more plays than we have the rest of the year.  A group of girlfriends and I went to see ‘Ragtime’.  David and I went with friends to see ‘Come From Away’.  David took Porter to watch one of the youth in our ward perform in ‘Big Fish’.  And David and I went on a date to see ‘The Scarlet Pimpernel’.  I had forgotten how much I love a great play!

David and I loved attending the Salt Lake Temple Open House where we were able to hear from Elder and Sister Bednar.  I wrote a separate post about this.

We stayed in town for Thanksgiving since David started his week of service the day after.  David geared up for the neighborhood Turkey bowl took Porter along to play while the other boys and I watched or cooked at home.   They enjoyed the game until the second to last play when David caught the ball and turned to run. He heard a pop, thought someone had kicked him and couldn’t run to complete the play.  He spent part of the day in the ER where it was confirmed that he’d ruptured his Achilles.  Needless to say, Thanksgiving was a bit somber as the reality of his injury sunk in.  He spent most of the day in bed and I hosted my sister and a few friends for dinner.

Since David wasn’t feeling up to doing much that weekend, we decorated for Christmas.  The boys and I loved it!  David cheered us on from his chair in the living room.

David had surgery to repair his Achilles and has been recovering.  He’s spent a lot of time sitting in our living room.  Children are the best to put things in perspective.  As Porter was helping David slide down the stairs one day, he said, “Dad, you can still do the most important things: go to church, read your scriptures, pray, spend time with your family and play games.”  Even though David can’t wrestle and chase the boys, they have loved the special time sitting in his lap reading and talking or playing games on the floor.

Jonas’ Prayers (12/1/18)

Lately Jonas has been expanding his prayers and saying the sweetest things.
Two examples:
“Thank you that Jesus let’s the grocery stores get full again.”
“Grateful that Jesus gave us the scriptures, let’s us go to church and lets us know Him.”

I love his tenderness.

And then before David’s surgery on Thursday, he came into me and said, “ Tell Dad good luck on his surgery and I told him to tell you that you look beautiful today.”